Apparently I’m teething. At least that’s what my pain receptors and eyes tell me, but my brain can only just digest the possibility that at the ripe old age of 25 I could have any more sharp little nuggets of nervy enamel yet to burst forth. Alas, it would seem that I do.
There are several problems with this. Firstly, I do not need any more teeth. My mouth is actually at full capacity and I’m a little concerned that their arrival might displace the perfect alignment that occurred so very naturally (a fact that nobody seemed to believe at school). If I finally have to have dental work and a brace in my late twenties I will feel that I have been duped by my own belated body clock, and worse- I will have taken cosmetic action. It goes against my values goddamit (values sculpted carefully around what I already had so that they would therefore be conveniently easy to uphold). Tsk.
Secondly, I don’t have a dentist. I know. It’s naughty. But it’s also expensive: raise your hand if you too were shocked to discover that you actually have to pay for a check up when adulthood dawns. Thought so. My lack of a dentist is also due to the fact that I will do almost anything to avoid pain, needles, and any establishment of a remotely medical nature. One day I will sort this phobia, but right now I’m too busy avoiding the dentist. What if that scary masked face leers in at me, prodding the delicate partial ruptures, and exclaims- ‘Well they need to come out!’? No they bloody well don’t. I didn’t even ask for them in the first place! I have cared for my dental region so very nicely my whole life and this is how it repays me? Think of the money I could have saved on giving up floss bows…
Thirdly, I have a problem with the name. It’s as if someone was trying to soften the blow. Eating crusts does not make your hair grow curly; similarly wisdom teeth do not make you wise (or maybe you have to wait for the full set?). I suppose it could be philosophical. Something along the lines of: only when you have felt the slow incessant pain of wisdom teeth arriving will you be truly wise. Perhaps it’s another for the canon of painful truths- maybe if Eve hadn’t touched that damned apple we wouldn’t be teething still today.
One more issue while we’re on the topic of teeth. Did we really have to have them at all? What is the meaning of all this nonsense about having a first set that painfully and gradually pops itself out to be replaced by a second set? How much energy we waste! What’s wrong with the horny plate of a frog or lizard? They can clamp onto a tasty morsel pretty damn well. They can chop and grind with the rest of us. Yes, it would be weird now if we all suddenly developed grinding plates instead of separate little teeth but it would be frightfully efficient if we could get past the aesthetics. No need to floss since there would be nowhere for the bits to get stuck. No nervy pulpy centre (now what is all that about?! Did we really need pain receptors inside our teeth? Couldn’t they just have been made better in the beginning?! Serious design flaw).
I will of course keep you updated on the progress of my wisdoms, and alert you should I notice any change in my wisdom level. However, I ought to warn you that I’ve already been teething with the same teeth for approximately three years and as such, it might be a while. It is also a distinct possibility that since my top right wisdom bastard is coming through on its side, any wisdom I do acquire and wish to pass on to my readership may well be skewed. No dentists: you may not.