Bald Heads Should Be Buttered

is a phrase I probably shouldn’t be joyfully uttering any longer given the circumstances. I’m not even sure where I picked it up from, but I love the concept and I imagine it would be as pleasing as writing with a biro on the skin of a balloon or popping bubble-wrap or peeling PVA off your fingers… But enough of childish pastimes that we all enjoyed when we had the time (all the time), let’s talk about bald heads.
I do feel sorry (and slightly smug) that men have to face the possibility of baldness once they hit a certain age. I feel even sorrier that for some that’s in their early 20s and sorrier still that one of those is my boyfriend. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll love him with or without his beautiful dark curls (alas- it’s such a loss!) but I shall be very sad indeed when it gets to the point that a number one all over is the only option left, aside from the shiny-top monk look or the whispy comb-over, both of which I don’t accept as stylish alternatives for a twenty-something year old.
And it’s not that I didn’t see it coming either. He wasn’t exactly plentiful on top when I met him and I pretty much saw into the future when I met his Dad. I could have made a run for it there and then, but something held me… perhaps the possibility that one day I may get to butter a baldy? Anyhoo, despite the fact that I would never have dreamed I’d end up with anyone that didn’t possess bountiful thick dark curly hair, here I am, and the future looks… well… shiny.
Ambling through the pharmacy aisles I begin to notice just how wide-spread this problem must be. The range of products available to re-grow some of that hair is huge and expensive to say the least. How do these things work? Unless it’s some sort of topical hormone replacement therapy (or perhaps they contain cress seeds like those heads you used to make out of old stockings and soil?) I really can’t see any of these working. I start to wonder what the world is coming to. How could they possibly work, and more to the point: why do we want them to?
Certain celebrity heads have even gone as far as surgery to ‘re-grow’ some of that lost hair. Transplants are all the rage it seems. I can’t help but feel that with our desire for bountifully hirsute beaus, we are dragging men into the world of Hollywood style fake-ness. I suppose hair procedures like these are really designed for those men that have/want silicone perfect girls and a snazzy sports car to match their penis extensions, but my point is that we have reached new levels of shallowness if it’s ok to demand that baldheads be treated for their pertinent imperfection. The feminists amongst us will shriek that men have set women ridiculous standards forever and this is just a mini reversal, and whilst I’m wholly in agreeance that the ‘need’ to shave one’s legs and armpits is a bloody nuisance and not one that I particularly enjoy, I can’t help feeling that a man who takes such care over his appearance as to have hair-implants is not particularly attractive. I once dumped a guy for taking too long over his hair in the morning (there’s no pleasing some people is there? Too much hair, too little hair… sheesh) since it made me feel like I had to brush mine to be seen with him. High maintenance (here I refer to everything from hair brushing onwards) is not me and I couldn’t bear it in my man either. Having said that, if there was a way to have a bit of a hair-trade we might be able to kill two social-expectation birds with one smooth stone… whilst he’s losing hair there’s some sort of hair party going on with my bikini line. Could we do something there perhaps…? But moving swiftly on.
I propose an idea to all bald men, or boys and girls with bald other halves: go and invest in some nice hats and give up on the Regaine. It ain’t gonna re-happen and the sooner we face that, the easier it will be to accept the new shiny sphere and embrace the natural low-maintenance new you. Now stand in line and be buttered.


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